I mean, I'm more than a little jealous that you're doing it and I'm not, but of course I'm happy for you. Why wouldn't I be?
Shit, that's not really what I meant, I hadn't thought about that part... I mostly was wondering if he comes back was this guy going to have an issue with a second man in a paternal position in the baby's life or whatever.
Serious question, though, Laura: how confident are you that you'll both feel the same way when you start showing and suddenly it seems a lot more real that HIS baby is in there. If he treats you the way he should while you're pregnant, what's saying that doesn't make you change your mind about how you feel about him because he's doting on you? What's saying he doesn't decide you ARE attractive to him because he's seeing you in a completely different light while you're carrying his child? I'm not saying any of that would be a bad thing, necessarily, but it could create issues if it happens to one of you and the other doesn't reciprocate. Beyond hurt feelings and embarrassment, is that going to create a rift that just gets deeper and more uncomfortable as time passes? Does that change your friendship and, if so, how does that effect your ability to co-parent peacefully and synchronously?
Are you going to move in together? If not, do you have the baby 100% of the time while you're nursing? How will it feel for you when the baby is with Eddie on his days? How will it feel for him when you have the baby? Do those feelings cause problems in the friendship?
Do you have a game plan in place for how you want to raise the child? Are your opinions, standards, and expectations in line with one another's so that you're not parenting the baby two different ways and causing the kid to have behavioral issues because they don't know what's right?
When the baby cuts his or her fangs, what kind of protective equipment will Eddie need to be safe? When the kid gets old enough to do damage, do you have them 100% of the time until they've mastered their aggression? You knocked it out of the park when you were a kid, but it took me until I was fifteen to really get it down. It took Cora until she was twelve. Is it safe to let the kid stay with Eddie before they get that full control? Full moon or not, a bad mood or a stressful day at school could be enough to set it off and you might heal from a tantrum, but he wouldn't.
I'm not trying to talk you out of anything, in case that seemed like I was. If you're confident by the time you go for it that you two are a compatible pair to make this arrangement work for the next eighteen to twenty-five years, then I support you completely. I'm just asking if you guys have discussed any of these things and if you haven't, did you plan to before you make a call on whether to go for it or not?
Don't be jealous - you'll get here eventually one way or the other, Dere - and we both know that you're going to be around constantly when I do have a kid and just how important you'll be.
I can't see that as an issue, but it's something that he and I can discuss - I've already made it pretty clear that pack, and you, are going to be important to help along the way. You know how we were raised - it takes a pack and if he can't be on board with that then things might need to be re-evaluated, but he seems on board with it and understanding at the moment based off of the discussions we've had.
And I think that we're both pretty certain that there isn't an attraction or romantic feelings between us. I'm confident - he's a great guy but he's not a guy for me in that sense even though I already consider him an extension of my pack and absolutely a good friend. And you know me. I think even hormonal I make sure I want something before I go for it and I can't see myself going for him, or him for me - I think that this would absolutely change our friendship but I don't think that has to be a bad thing or that it would necessarily be in a bad way. And I think that we've both been through hell and are adult enough to solve any conflict or awkwardness with talking it out and not letting it impact how we treat one another - or theoretically how we'd co-parent, honestly.
We haven't talked about moving in together at any point, but I was considering bringing it up as a point of discussion for us to put on the table cohabitating for certain periods so that when the kid is reliant on me for various reasons - like nursing, etc. I can't say for sure how either of us will feel, for sure, but I think that any feelings are something that we can both manage - and figure out how to solve those feelings. Sharing will be a thing, of course, but we're in the same apartment building here so we're not far and we'll have to navigate that, but again I can't see that impacting our friendship or the co-parenting relationship.
Parenting plan is still a work in progress - but a lot of the financial, living arrangements, etc are involved in the paperwork that has to be done to do this in the first place. We have to put a fair bit of it in writing, but I also do want to know that we're not setting a kid up for failure either, some things have been made clear, but work in progress, still.
I'm already working on a list of what Eddie will need so that he can prepare himself mentally and everything ahead of time. I think that he and I could still split time, but if it got bad enough that'd be another time in which we could consider temporarily co-habituating if it seems like it'd be the better decision at the time. I did make it clear that you and I will definitely have to step up during that time, but I think that he could play a role as well depending on his or her temperament and aggression. I feel like between the two of us we've had different enough experiences, and witnessed different experiences, and that can only help us in helping them. I genuinely think with the right tools and instruction Eddie would be safe and you and I are right here too on top of the option to temporarily cohabitate at times. Parenting will feed into that as well so things to talk out but I genuinely can see scenarios in which this will work successfully.
I know you're not trying to talk me out of anything - you're doing exactly what I thought you'd do - and what I appreciate that you do. You're asking the hard questions - questioning me not because you doubt me or want me to change my mind, but because you're helping. I think that he and I could do this and that we're compatible - we have different styles of dealing with people but I think there's a weird balance to the way we handle things... and honestly we have a lot of talking to continue to do, he and I aren't done talking. I imagine we'll be talking it through for quite a while, and continually through the next eightteen to twenty-five years on top of that.
We probably should've done this as a video call, in retrospect haha
I don't need you to justify any of this to me, or even explain or answer any of the questions. I kind of meant them to be rhetorical, just to give you ideas of things you needed to consider before going ahead with this arrangement. It sounds like you've already done a lot of thought and discussion and that's definitely a good thing.
I'm really proud of you, by the way. You're doing your homework, you're going out and getting what you've been wanting for a long time, you're helping a friend to do the same, and you're going to be a really fucking good mom. And, you can't tell me that I don't know that because yeah. I do. I watched you do it after the fire.
We have, yeah. I think it's going to be constant communication even when we get into this and are going through it - it's kind of the only way that this can actually work, I think.
Thanks, Derek - that actually means a lot, you know? And this time I won't even argue with you this time I'll just say that it means a lot to hear it from you especially because you know what a good mom looks like.
You're welcome. And yeah...we both do. She left really big shoes to fill but I've never questioned for a second your ability to fill them. You're good at this. You just need to believe in yourself sometimes, too.
That makes one of us not questioning my ability to fill them - I'm constantly asking myself what mom would do. Guess maybe that's part of the process for me - questioning and taking my time with every decision. I'll work on the belief thing just for you though, Dere.
You're your own worst critic and you always have been. Not that I think you'll ever stop questioning yourself just because your kid brother tells you that you should, but you should really stop questioning yourself. The fact that you worry so much about every decision that you make, all by itself, should tell you everything you need to know. That's what makes you great, Laur. You care too much not to be.
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Shit, that's not really what I meant, I hadn't thought about that part... I mostly was wondering if he comes back was this guy going to have an issue with a second man in a paternal position in the baby's life or whatever.
Serious question, though, Laura: how confident are you that you'll both feel the same way when you start showing and suddenly it seems a lot more real that HIS baby is in there. If he treats you the way he should while you're pregnant, what's saying that doesn't make you change your mind about how you feel about him because he's doting on you? What's saying he doesn't decide you ARE attractive to him because he's seeing you in a completely different light while you're carrying his child? I'm not saying any of that would be a bad thing, necessarily, but it could create issues if it happens to one of you and the other doesn't reciprocate. Beyond hurt feelings and embarrassment, is that going to create a rift that just gets deeper and more uncomfortable as time passes? Does that change your friendship and, if so, how does that effect your ability to co-parent peacefully and synchronously?
Are you going to move in together? If not, do you have the baby 100% of the time while you're nursing? How will it feel for you when the baby is with Eddie on his days? How will it feel for him when you have the baby? Do those feelings cause problems in the friendship?
Do you have a game plan in place for how you want to raise the child? Are your opinions, standards, and expectations in line with one another's so that you're not parenting the baby two different ways and causing the kid to have behavioral issues because they don't know what's right?
When the baby cuts his or her fangs, what kind of protective equipment will Eddie need to be safe? When the kid gets old enough to do damage, do you have them 100% of the time until they've mastered their aggression? You knocked it out of the park when you were a kid, but it took me until I was fifteen to really get it down. It took Cora until she was twelve. Is it safe to let the kid stay with Eddie before they get that full control? Full moon or not, a bad mood or a stressful day at school could be enough to set it off and you might heal from a tantrum, but he wouldn't.
I'm not trying to talk you out of anything, in case that seemed like I was. If you're confident by the time you go for it that you two are a compatible pair to make this arrangement work for the next eighteen to twenty-five years, then I support you completely. I'm just asking if you guys have discussed any of these things and if you haven't, did you plan to before you make a call on whether to go for it or not?
no subject
I can't see that as an issue, but it's something that he and I can discuss - I've already made it pretty clear that pack, and you, are going to be important to help along the way. You know how we were raised - it takes a pack and if he can't be on board with that then things might need to be re-evaluated, but he seems on board with it and understanding at the moment based off of the discussions we've had.
And I think that we're both pretty certain that there isn't an attraction or romantic feelings between us. I'm confident - he's a great guy but he's not a guy for me in that sense even though I already consider him an extension of my pack and absolutely a good friend. And you know me. I think even hormonal I make sure I want something before I go for it and I can't see myself going for him, or him for me - I think that this would absolutely change our friendship but I don't think that has to be a bad thing or that it would necessarily be in a bad way. And I think that we've both been through hell and are adult enough to solve any conflict or awkwardness with talking it out and not letting it impact how we treat one another - or theoretically how we'd co-parent, honestly.
We haven't talked about moving in together at any point, but I was considering bringing it up as a point of discussion for us to put on the table cohabitating for certain periods so that when the kid is reliant on me for various reasons - like nursing, etc. I can't say for sure how either of us will feel, for sure, but I think that any feelings are something that we can both manage - and figure out how to solve those feelings. Sharing will be a thing, of course, but we're in the same apartment building here so we're not far and we'll have to navigate that, but again I can't see that impacting our friendship or the co-parenting relationship.
Parenting plan is still a work in progress - but a lot of the financial, living arrangements, etc are involved in the paperwork that has to be done to do this in the first place. We have to put a fair bit of it in writing, but I also do want to know that we're not setting a kid up for failure either, some things have been made clear, but work in progress, still.
I'm already working on a list of what Eddie will need so that he can prepare himself mentally and everything ahead of time. I think that he and I could still split time, but if it got bad enough that'd be another time in which we could consider temporarily co-habituating if it seems like it'd be the better decision at the time. I did make it clear that you and I will definitely have to step up during that time, but I think that he could play a role as well depending on his or her temperament and aggression. I feel like between the two of us we've had different enough experiences, and witnessed different experiences, and that can only help us in helping them. I genuinely think with the right tools and instruction Eddie would be safe and you and I are right here too on top of the option to temporarily cohabitate at times. Parenting will feed into that as well so things to talk out but I genuinely can see scenarios in which this will work successfully.
I know you're not trying to talk me out of anything - you're doing exactly what I thought you'd do - and what I appreciate that you do. You're asking the hard questions - questioning me not because you doubt me or want me to change my mind, but because you're helping. I think that he and I could do this and that we're compatible - we have different styles of dealing with people but I think there's a weird balance to the way we handle things... and honestly we have a lot of talking to continue to do, he and I aren't done talking. I imagine we'll be talking it through for quite a while, and continually through the next eightteen to twenty-five years on top of that.
no subject
I don't need you to justify any of this to me, or even explain or answer any of the questions. I kind of meant them to be rhetorical, just to give you ideas of things you needed to consider before going ahead with this arrangement. It sounds like you've already done a lot of thought and discussion and that's definitely a good thing.
I'm really proud of you, by the way. You're doing your homework, you're going out and getting what you've been wanting for a long time, you're helping a friend to do the same, and you're going to be a really fucking good mom. And, you can't tell me that I don't know that because yeah. I do. I watched you do it after the fire.
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We have, yeah. I think it's going to be constant communication even when we get into this and are going through it - it's kind of the only way that this can actually work, I think.
Thanks, Derek - that actually means a lot, you know? And this time I won't even argue with you this time I'll just say that it means a lot to hear it from you especially because you know what a good mom looks like.
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That's probably true, yeah.
You're welcome. And yeah...we both do. She left really big shoes to fill but I've never questioned for a second your ability to fill them. You're good at this. You just need to believe in yourself sometimes, too.
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